Sunday, December 21, 2014

Now we got problems (and I don't think we can solve 'em)

Taylor Swift references FTW.

A few nights ago, I had a mini crisis. Nothing too catastrophic. More of a revelation, really.

Life is difficult.

It's actually  not much of a revelation, right? Everyone hears it all the time, all our lives. And the older you get, the more difficult and complex life becomes.

This past June, I turned 26. Now, I was officially closer to 30 than to 20. I'd imagine that's scary for anyone, but I especially felt anxious as a now-26-year-old who always thought she'd have a family and a career by now, and is still single and working at a coffee shop. Not that either of those things are inherently bad; it's just not where I imagined my life would be. Am I a failure for it? Sometimes it feels like it, but I really don't think so. I work hard every day, and try to accomplish something meaningful. I think that's what really matters.

But I decided on my 26th birthday, something would change this year. 26 would be a different year, a good year, because I said it would be. And six months in, I'm pretty satisfied with how things are going. I'm doing better in relationships-mostly platonic ones, but did have surprising (albeit minimal) luck in the dating field as well. Though luck isn't the word I like to use when taking about dating. It's more about making connections than 'getting' a guy, as if they're trophies or something.

But when it comes to writing, I've been slacking. I haven't submitted anything in ages, mostly out of fear. My previous submissions have resulted in roughly a 99.99 % rejection rate, and I didn't care to go through that again. But now I'm getting to the point where even rejection would be better than nothing. Because when I'm getting rejected, at least I'm doing something.

And even if I am successful in whatever endeavors I pursue...what then? What if I get a book deal with a bad contract I can't get out of? What if I have instant success with a bestselling novel, only to fade into the background and end up a washed up has been? What if I start dating someone or even get married, only to have the relationship fall apart a few years later? Okay, maybe I've just been watching too many of those true crime documentaries about women killing their husbands. But, you know, life is difficult and so forth.

So that was really the basis of last week's mini crisis. The fact that you can never solve all your problems, no matter what, and that holding back won't do any good. So, with a new year around the corner, I resolve to stop holding back for things out of fear. Because rejection sucks, but in the long run, passivity sucks even more. I can't solve all my problems, and I certainly can't solve even some of them by curling into a fetal position and waiting for life to pass me by. Problems will always be there, but so will good things. Such is life, I guess.